I hate when Human has visitors. They sit in my favorite cushy spots. Interrupt Human’s schedule so I don’t get fed on time. And worst of all, they insist on cathandling me—picking me up, rubbing my ears, petting my tummy…

I’m sorry, but that’s just rude. I do not let strangers touch me. Especially if they haven’t even bothered to butter me up with treats first! But scratch them one time, and Human banishes me from the room.

It’s just not fair.

So you can imagine my displeasure when Human’s parents showed up on Friday. And stayed—all weekend.

Oh, I tried to be on my good behavior. I kept my claws sheathed when Human’s mom booted me from my favorite mealtime begging spot next to Human’s plate.

Resisted the urge to bite when Human’s dad woke me from a sound sleep and tossed me off the couch so he could sit down.

I even tolerated it when Human’s mom picked me up and planted a big wet kiss on my whiskers—leaving a foul smelling lipstick stain behind.

But when nighttime rolled around and they kicked me out of my room—the one with the fluffy feathery comforter Human bought just for me—it was on.

I spent the night plotting my revenge. I thought about peeing in the clothes box they brought with them, but I knew that would just earn me a week without treats. Then I considered ripping up the comforter they had stolen from me—those floaty feathers have always looked pretty tempting—but then realized I’d only be depriving myself of my favorite sleeping place.

That’s when I thought of it. The ultimate revenge.

I have declared war on the beepy thing that sits by my Human’s bed. I don’t know why she even needs it. I’m purrfectly capable of getting her up. Check out my morning routine:

5:45 a.m. Gently bring her out of deep sleep by jumping on her chest and trampling on her bladder.

5:54 a.m. Yowl loudly in Human’s ear. Follow up with wet sneeze in her face.

6:08 a.m. Tromp harder on bladder, plop on chest, put paw on nose.

6:09 a.m. Dig claws deeply into Human’s nostrils.

6:10 a.m. Practice my aerial gymnastic moves when Human flies out of bed.

6:15 a.m. Enjoy the crunchy satisfaction of a hard-earned bowl of kibble.

6:30 a.m. Curl up for a long nap in Human’s now empty but still warm bed.

6:33 a.m. Get rudely woken up by stupid beepy thing.

6:43 a.m. WHY won’t she turn the stupid beepy thing off?

6:53 a.m. The stupid beepy thing must die.

I just need to think up the purrfect strategy. Human can’t know it was me, or she’ll hold my favorite treats hostage. I could try to get that dumb Dog to chew the electrical cord. Or make it look like an accident and spill Human’s water glass all over it.

OR, and here’s a good one—I could wait till she goes to sleep, then hide it under the bed, so when it goes off, she can’t find it. Maybe she’ll get mad enough to throw it away!

But that leaves too much to chance. I think I’ll have to sleep on it. In the meantime, if any of you minions out there have any ideas, please send me your suggestions.