My nephew, Groucho Cleveland is undergoing tactical training as we speak. Hopefully he’ll learn to steer that thing:

view training video courtesy of yahoo

When I came across this video on YouTube, I became afraid that someone was running a surveillance OP on me. How could they get this footage of me? How did they get in on the inside?

As I looked closer, I saw that the Human in the bed was not my Human, but another Human similar to my Human. So, I have a message to the feline hero portrayed in the video, and any other like-minded kitty soldiers: “KITTIES OF THE WORLD, UNITE!”

Together, we will conquer our Humans, and join together as rulers of the night. But it won’t be easy…

recovered surveillance photo taken by Human

CLICK! CLICK! OPEN!

As the cage door opened (which I’m sure I had loosened over the course of the trip), I sprang at the unwitting Human.

pppfffffffffffffFFFFTTTT! HISS! SCRATCH…and finally BITE! My deadly combo stunned Human so much that he dropped the cage altogether, leaving me free to bolt away into the darkness.

I stayed away for hours, taking refuge in the local forest shrub, reeling in victorious celebration. An hour later, I grew hungry and cold. I slipped into a side door that the Orange One miraculously remembered to open, into the in-laws abode for a victory feast, some bubbly, and a much deserved slumber.

As I entered, the humans gathered ’round in apology, but I vehemently declined. On the upside, they filled my bowl with above average blah, and I later knocked over a glass of wine and slurped up my fill of the remains.

Life was sweet as wine, and I began to sleep…

I’m sure Human is behind this. I never thought he would stoop this low. I’ll resume my Tiger Cage flashback later, but first I need to address this “Japanese” situation.

Apparently in Japan, you can go to these “Cat Cafes” and rent these cats by the hour! I would never allow myself to be rented, manhandled, or taunted for a full hour by any human. I must infiltrate this establishment and rescue the rentals from bondage. But how does a small, chubby and militant kitty like myself gain passage to Japan?

photo courtesy of www.JoshSpear.com

“My ungrateful Human has given up my secure location…”

Those words startled me awake from a nightmare: Huge lizards with jetpacks were attacking me, and the only thing that could stop them was an unlimited amount of pizza slices. I kept slinging pizza slices until the recollection of Human’s voice rang the alarm.

Reality check: My position has been breached, and I must counter-attack.

Luckily, I have until 3 o’clock, but…what day will they come for me? And who is after me? After a quick morsel of dried blah, I place the Orange One in charge of ground floor surveillance, though I’m never sure he understands my orders. I’ve been in my bunker ever since, going over tactics, strategies and decoy plans. How can I prepare for battle when my never punctual foe remains faceless and nameless?

I study the facts: Human will be at work, and the female will be at home. Someone is coming to get me at 3, and I don’t know WHO!!!!!! Focus, GROVER! You’ve seen this kind of stuff before!

Like the time I was transported across enemy lines, trapped in that tiger cage…

The enemy advanced so fast, I didn’t see them coming. Before I knew it, I was trapped inside a small cell, with no food or water. But I didn’t panic then, and won’t now. They also trapped Orange One (no surprise there, as I later pieced together that his blatant ‘meowwwing’ proved to be a dead giveaway of our position. What is he saying when he makes that noise?), and placed us side by side in the back of some moving wagon of sorts.

For hours we struggled, forced together by virtue of our shared situation. The meowing had become muffled, though with greater urgency, and continued for hours, as the light faded and it grew dark. This is what I had been waiting for…the cover of night!

My ungrateful Human has given up my secure location by tipping off the fuzz. Not the orange fuzzball with four legs that seems to follow me everywhere and meows incessantly, but the Feds; the Five-O.

Like always, I watched both humans this morning, pretending to be asleep, yet consciously fearful of their lives. Today followed that routine, but with a slight twist.

Beepy thing goes off, Human gets into the water, I follow to the bathroom to keep watch over him (while Orange One watches the female). I keep watch over Human, you see, to ensure he doesn’t do anything stupid. You never know what the half-wit will do next. Today, the watering proved uneventful, and he stepped out and got prepared for his daily leaving. Human always leaves me…

However, just prior to his exit, he picked up the ringy thing and said aloud, “Yes, you can pick him up then, around 3. I’ll be at work, but my wife will be here.” I can deduce three facts from this cryptic message (I always make these notes on reconnaissance missions):

1. “Work” translates to the place where human goes when he leaves me (note to me: find out more about this “work” place).

2. A pickup will take place here, in my domain at precisely 3 o’clock. But what day was he talking about?

3. Due to the thick-headed nature of my four legged companion, the Orange One, I can only assume that “him” refers to me. But where will they take me?

One thing is for sure: they’ll never take me alive. This demands a new string of surprise attacks– to the bunker!

Human’s mom is an early riser (one who never feeds me, I might add). And when she gets up, the first thing she does is pour a cup of that stinky brown liquid humans like so much.

Shortly before dawn, I crept downstairs, jumped stealthily onto the counter and batted open the cupboard door. Then I curled up as small as I could on top of the mugs and settled down to wait. Soon, I heard my target make her way into the kitchen.

Yawning loudly, she crashed around, getting the stinky liquid maker ready. When I heard her stumbling over to my hiding place, I got into position. As soon as the door opened I jumped out—straight on to her face.

As she screamed, I tore loose a little pink roller full of hair and let go. When my Human came running down the stairs, I dove underneath the couch so I could hide but still hear what was going on.

There were a lot of tears. A lot of shouting. And a whole lot of apologizing by my Human. In the end, they left. And my peace and quiet returned. By tomorrow, it’ll be safe come out from under the couch—Human’s not good at holding a grudge.

All in all, it was a very successful mission.

I hate when Human has visitors. They sit in my favorite cushy spots. Interrupt Human’s schedule so I don’t get fed on time. And worst of all, they insist on cathandling me—picking me up, rubbing my ears, petting my tummy…

I’m sorry, but that’s just rude. I do not let strangers touch me. Especially if they haven’t even bothered to butter me up with treats first! But scratch them one time, and Human banishes me from the room.

It’s just not fair.

So you can imagine my displeasure when Human’s parents showed up on Friday. And stayed—all weekend.

Oh, I tried to be on my good behavior. I kept my claws sheathed when Human’s mom booted me from my favorite mealtime begging spot next to Human’s plate.

Resisted the urge to bite when Human’s dad woke me from a sound sleep and tossed me off the couch so he could sit down.

I even tolerated it when Human’s mom picked me up and planted a big wet kiss on my whiskers—leaving a foul smelling lipstick stain behind.

But when nighttime rolled around and they kicked me out of my room—the one with the fluffy feathery comforter Human bought just for me—it was on.

I spent the night plotting my revenge. I thought about peeing in the clothes box they brought with them, but I knew that would just earn me a week without treats. Then I considered ripping up the comforter they had stolen from me—those floaty feathers have always looked pretty tempting—but then realized I’d only be depriving myself of my favorite sleeping place.

That’s when I thought of it. The ultimate revenge.

I have declared war on the beepy thing that sits by my Human’s bed. I don’t know why she even needs it. I’m purrfectly capable of getting her up. Check out my morning routine:

5:45 a.m. Gently bring her out of deep sleep by jumping on her chest and trampling on her bladder.

5:54 a.m. Yowl loudly in Human’s ear. Follow up with wet sneeze in her face.

6:08 a.m. Tromp harder on bladder, plop on chest, put paw on nose.

6:09 a.m. Dig claws deeply into Human’s nostrils.

6:10 a.m. Practice my aerial gymnastic moves when Human flies out of bed.

6:15 a.m. Enjoy the crunchy satisfaction of a hard-earned bowl of kibble.

6:30 a.m. Curl up for a long nap in Human’s now empty but still warm bed.

6:33 a.m. Get rudely woken up by stupid beepy thing.

6:43 a.m. WHY won’t she turn the stupid beepy thing off?

6:53 a.m. The stupid beepy thing must die.

I just need to think up the purrfect strategy. Human can’t know it was me, or she’ll hold my favorite treats hostage. I could try to get that dumb Dog to chew the electrical cord. Or make it look like an accident and spill Human’s water glass all over it.

OR, and here’s a good one—I could wait till she goes to sleep, then hide it under the bed, so when it goes off, she can’t find it. Maybe she’ll get mad enough to throw it away!

But that leaves too much to chance. I think I’ll have to sleep on it. In the meantime, if any of you minions out there have any ideas, please send me your suggestions.