I’m sure Human is behind this. I never thought he would stoop this low. I’ll resume my Tiger Cage flashback later, but first I need to address this “Japanese” situation.

Apparently in Japan, you can go to these “Cat Cafes” and rent these cats by the hour! I would never allow myself to be rented, manhandled, or taunted for a full hour by any human. I must infiltrate this establishment and rescue the rentals from bondage. But how does a small, chubby and militant kitty like myself gain passage to Japan?

photo courtesy of www.JoshSpear.com

I have declared war on the beepy thing that sits by my Human’s bed. I don’t know why she even needs it. I’m purrfectly capable of getting her up. Check out my morning routine:

5:45 a.m. Gently bring her out of deep sleep by jumping on her chest and trampling on her bladder.

5:54 a.m. Yowl loudly in Human’s ear. Follow up with wet sneeze in her face.

6:08 a.m. Tromp harder on bladder, plop on chest, put paw on nose.

6:09 a.m. Dig claws deeply into Human’s nostrils.

6:10 a.m. Practice my aerial gymnastic moves when Human flies out of bed.

6:15 a.m. Enjoy the crunchy satisfaction of a hard-earned bowl of kibble.

6:30 a.m. Curl up for a long nap in Human’s now empty but still warm bed.

6:33 a.m. Get rudely woken up by stupid beepy thing.

6:43 a.m. WHY won’t she turn the stupid beepy thing off?

6:53 a.m. The stupid beepy thing must die.

I just need to think up the purrfect strategy. Human can’t know it was me, or she’ll hold my favorite treats hostage. I could try to get that dumb Dog to chew the electrical cord. Or make it look like an accident and spill Human’s water glass all over it.

OR, and here’s a good one—I could wait till she goes to sleep, then hide it under the bed, so when it goes off, she can’t find it. Maybe she’ll get mad enough to throw it away!

But that leaves too much to chance. I think I’ll have to sleep on it. In the meantime, if any of you minions out there have any ideas, please send me your suggestions.